Today is August 30th and it is National Grief Awareness Day. The definition of grief is, “Deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.” I am unsure that definition even scratches the surface of what grief is or feels like.
I think we experience grief in a lot of different situations. The loss or change of a job, life transitions, death, etc… I have experienced grief more than once, but almost three years ago this January I experienced the death of my grandpa. My papa was one of my greatest friends, advocates, & examples. My papa was also like a father to me. Losing him was the heaviest grief I have ever experienced in my life. It was heavy the day he died, it was heavy the month after, and today, almost three years layer, it is still so heavy.
My papa in Charleston. I took this photo while we were waiting for my Grammie to be done in one of the shops. He was such a patient man.
I want to take some time to write to you about a few things that have really helped me to not only survive while living in grief, but find peace throughout it’s heavy burden. I am not a therapist, or a grief counselor, but I hope my experience and story will provide you with just a little glimmer of hope that you can find spaces in grief where wholeness, & peace are possible.
I took this while we stood on the beach together on what would be our very last vacation.
1.) Let Yourself Feel the Memories.
In the beginning of my journey with grief I remember doing all I could to suppress every memory with my papa. I would tell myself, “don’t don’t don’t”, each time a memory would arise. I would do this as a defense mechanism in order to not feel pain or immediately break into tears. What I soon learned is those memories wouldn’t disappear and dealing with them all at once would cause outbursts of anger or sorrow that I struggled to deal with. Taking time each day to feel those memories, talk with my papa, write in a journal, etc. really helped me to manage my grief everyday rather than in overwhelming outbursts that I couldn’t control or manage.
2.) Seek Guidance.
Your best friend may be the best sounding board, but if they haven’t spent their education or career on grief counseling or therapy then they are not the guidance you need. I waited over a year to see a therapist to manage my grief, and I regret how long I waited. My therapist helped me identify what was trauma versus what was grief, and how to work through those things. She has been such a support to me as I navigate the death of my papa and how it effects my everyday thoughts, & life.
On one of our many trips to South Carolina together.
3.) Spend Time in the Memory.
One of the things grief does to so many people (and almost did to me), is it tries to rob you of any time honoring the memory of your loved one. I remember not allowing myself to even drink a Coke, go to the beach, or look at pictures of my papa because it was so gut wrenching that he was gone. Anything that reminded me of him I had just decided to cast away. It almost robbed me of some of the most beautiful things that allowed me to feel close to him. Now, as I work through my grief I try to spend at least one day a month doing something that makes me feel close to my papa. Sometimes I do it while I am sobbing, other times I do it while feeling his embrace and feeling the most joy surrounding me. Take time today to create space that allows you to feel so close to the memory or the situation that brings you that dark, and heavy grief.
A message my papa sent to me that I got to save as we said goodnight one evening.
I know this blog won’t take away your grief, and it probably won’t change it, but I hope it reminds you that grief doesn’t have to have the final word. Your memories are so precious, therapy is beautiful, & you are not alone in the darkness of grief. I hope this blog has been a source of light for you, and I pray it serves as a tool to help navigate another day in our heartbreak, together.
I love you, I am praying for you, & I pray your grief can also serve as a reminder that you loved so deep… something no one can take away.
I wish I had all of the right words to speak today, but I just don’t. I lament, cry, fear, and feel so deeply broken for our brothers and sisters in Afghanistan. Instead of choosing to post about politics, who is wrong and who is right, or all of my personal feelings I chose to post a prayer instead. Hopefully, as you read this, our hearts can be aligned as one and we can be a praying people, together.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
Psalm 46:1 1
Father, Protector God,
Would you wrap your arms around your people in great turmoil? Would you be present amidst the complete darkness that reigns in Afghanistan? Would you please hold so tightly to the people there who need to know your love? Would you give hope and comfort to the missionaries who have spent countless time there proclaiming Your word to the people?
“But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.”
2 Thessalonians 3:3
Would you hear our hearts specifically pray for …
People in Afghanistan who do not know you yet
People in danger, people who are scared
Children who need to be protected
Leaders who have fled, and civilians who have family that remain in Afghanistan even if they have made it out
Hospital Workers and patients
Elderly and Newborns who cannot flee themselves
The schools and education buildings
The Airports and country exits
Missionaries servants who have worked so tirelessly there
Church buildings
The US & Afghanistan military
“Deliver me from my enemies, O God; be my fortress against those who are attacking me.”
Psalm 59:1
Now, God would you hear our plea for the Taliban.
It seems unbelievable that we could pray for such evil, such hate, such danger, but God only you can turn those things into grace, mercy, & love. Would you reach them in ways only you could? Would you do the mighty work of a miracle within them and among them? We know that war is not your way, but this group knows no other life. Can you find ways, paths, miracles to show them it doesn’t have to be this way? That peace can reign, that light can shine, that justice is only found in you, God. The reality is these are the places you can do the most work, places of complete darkness.
“God did not enter the world of our nostalgic, silent-night, snow-blanketed, peace-on-earth, suspended reality of Christmas. God slipped into the vulnerability of skin and entered our violent and disturbing world.” ― Nadia Bolz-Weber
Can you please re-write this story God? Can you please draw near to Afghanistan, it’s people, & even find your way into the hearts of the Taliban and all they seek to destroy, control, and take. Specifically, would you draw near just as you did when you born into the world, to these specific places?
That the Taliban would remain out of Panjshir Valley.
Kabul
Jalalabad, & Mazar (that currently still remain under government control).
Maulana Jalaluddin Balkhi International Airport
Hamid Karzai International Airport
Herat and Kandahar (both cities fell to the Taliban late last week).
For Dubai and Istanbul as many seek protection and peace there as they flee Afghanistan.
I am sobbing many tears as I write these prayers for us to pray together. May we also pray for the people who cannot afford the skyrocketing prices to leave Afghanistan? The families who do not have resources, or able bodies to travel? Can we lift up the newborn babies being born into this violence and tragedy? The family pets, farms, animals, and creatures who will die as a result of the fleeing nation. Let us not forget to lift up the forgotten, the homeless, the lost, the runaways, the drug abusers, the prisoners (the largest in Afghanistan, Pul-e-Charkhi Prison), the elderly, the abused, the hospitalized, and all of the people the news may never report about.
God,
Help Afghanistan and it’s people. Help it in a way our prayers could never express but our hearts feel so deeply. Please move, speak, and hold those people so tightly. Comfort, overwhelm, & protect them. God, only you can. Please do what we need you to do for those people. We believe that you can, we pray that you will, and you know you already are.
خواهش ميکنم لرد خواهش ميکنم آمین
please, Lord, please, Amen.
Chelsea.
Resources to check into as you move from prayer to action:
As you begin to read the words I have so delicately chose to type and share with you I must give a few disclaimers. I am not a marriage expert nor do I have the perfect marriage. I am a 30 year old woman living the dream with her soul mate, but the journey it has taken to get here is one worth sharing. I hope as you read this blog you will find places where you connect, relate, & get a sign of relief realizing you are not alone! Thank you for being in this space, and reading parts of my soul as I have shared them here for you, for us.
Three years ago I was returning home from the mission trip of my dreams. I had just spent 10 amazing days serving in Guatemala and I could not wait to return home to my 8 month old foster daughter, and my husband of 5 years. Tyler and I met when I was 19 and he was 26. We fell madly in love, fast, I thought we were living a beautiful love story when in fact things were quickly falling apart. I returned home and Tyler was distant, cold, and confusing. Without sharing too much, on top of this odd distance we got the news we were losing our foster daughter (who we were in the adoption process for). Our hearts were shattered, and that only added to the dark cloud looming over and within our marriage.
We lost Onna in the middle of August & that week Tyler declared to me that he no longer wanted to be married. After 8 years together, Tyler moved out and said he needed space and a divorce. By the grace of God he never filed for divorce, and I know now that is because it was never truly what he wanted. Our separation began at the end of August 2018 and by early September I had been let go from my full time ministry position. Along with being let go, it felt as if I had been shunned by my entire church and many were whispering about our situation as it was shared publicly. I had never been so broken, lost, & helpless in my life, but that was not how our story ended. In fact, hold on tight because God did some pretty incredible things.
November 2018 I got a new full time ministry position, moved to a new city, kept distant contact with Tyler, and continued to beg God for my marriage back. I never stopped praying for Tyler to come “home.” There are so many details that won’t make it into this blog (including how we became parents to a new baby girl in December of that year), but I guess you’ll have to read my book (hey, a girl can dream right? 4 chapters done so far) for the full story. It was a snowy day in February and a knock came upon the door of my small apartment. I opened it to find my husband, crying, with his head hanging low. He began apologizing, and declaring he wanted to come home…wherever home would be now.
The definition of valor is, “great courage in the face of struggles and danger, especially in battle.” You would never think of needing valor when zealously reciting your vows at your wedding ceremony, but valor is one of the most important things that has been required of me in these last 7 (almost 8) years of marriage. I had to have great courage, and even greater faith, in the face of something that was not always beautiful and easy. I think every great marriage requires valor, and I also think every great marriage will face struggles, and battles. In the last three years that Tyler has been home, and we have rebuilt our marriage, I have found a few things to be most important. I would love to share those things with you.
We must discover moments of compromise. When I used to think of compromise I would think of the big moments. Of course we must compromise on where we will live, what car we will drive, where our jobs will take us, etc. The tough reality of compromise is that it matters deeply in the places we never think about. Where you go out to eat, what you watch on TV, where you attend church, who you spend extra time with, which family dinner you attend, are just to name a few. All of these small decisions start to feel completely dominating if you aren’t meeting your spouse halfway. When is the last time you eagerly attended your partners favorite extra curricular activity? When is the last time you let your partner choose the TV series? When is the last time your partner called the date night shots?
2. We must be willing to learn, and develop marriage skills. No matter the job you are doing, there was a time, or even years of schooling or training you had to attend in order to perform said job. We will spend almost every moment outside of our jobs with our spouse. Our spouses deserve the best version of us and that means we are constantly growing and learning. Marriage takes incredible communication skills, patience, grace, and the deepest love we will ever experience this side of heaven aside from the love of God himself. Why then, would we not continue to do what we can, to discover the best tools and the best practices to model those previously mentioned qualities in our marriage. We must be willing to read, listen, and put great effort into how we can be a better spouse. If we would do it for a job, how much greater does our spouse deserve that from us?
3. We must understand selfless love in the most deepest way. I truly believe I know and understand selfless love because of my relationship with God. It is through God’s incredible grace, and love that I was able to open the door to my husband again after all we had been through. I am not going to convince you (if you are not currently) to become a Christian through a blog, but I will say the health of your marriage relies on how deeply you understand what it is to be completely selfless.
This is one of the most complex requirements in a marriage. It is complex because you are a whole person, and your needs and wants need to be met too. I do not want you to read this and think you should have no hobbies but to serve your partner. I do want you to read this and realize if you and your partner practice complete selflessness in your marriage then you both will have your needs and desires met. Selflessness is serving your partner in a way that puts them above yourself. It is seeking to make the world a place that is about them. How can you create space where they feel seen, heard, and cherished? Selflessness is a quality that can turn a battle into a victory. Selflessness is modeled after God, and can be the most beautiful and holy piece of your marriage.
““Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”
Maya Angelou
I shared a short piece of my marriage testimony before sharing a few things I have learned because I want you to realize the depths of darkness we have survived. I want you to know if you feel like you are in the trenches with your spouse you are not alone. You are not alone, and it may not be over or “too far gone.” Maya Angelou wrote that love recognizes no barriers. The reality is, it does not. Love can take any dangerous battle, and produce valor within its vows. Love can always have the last word when darkness seems to have finished the book.
Marriage truly can be the most incredible gift God has given us, but it takes so much commitment, work, and love. I believe, no matter how dark your story feels, it can have a beautiful ending. I believe that because I lived in the scariest place of my life with a divorce in sight. Three years later, I write to you as I’m looking across the living room of our beautiful home watching my sweet husband sit in his recliner wearing the most precious silver wedding ring.
Our story was re-written, new life was born, redemption arose. You may not need your story revised, but maybe you needed to be reminded of the compromise, continued learning, and selflessness it truly takes to have the incredibly beautiful marriage you desire. I wish I would have been late night scrolling on Facebook three years ago and someone shared these things with me. I hope if nothing else tonight, you feel encouraged, empowered, and filled with hope. Encouraged that you can grow and change, and compromise if and when that is what your marriage needs. Empowered that you can be as selfless as you choose for your spouse. And filled with a hope that marriage is work for us all, but it is the most incredible gift worth working and fighting for.
I see you marriages of valor… it will always be worth it.
You are loved,
Chels.
*An important note and addition to this blog, the struggles and battles I am referencing are never mental or physical abuse. Please do not ever feel coerced or compelled to stay in a marriage where you are being abused in any way. Please visit this website for more information and resources on domestic violence.*
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