As you begin to read the words I have so delicately chose to type and share with you I must give a few disclaimers. I am not a marriage expert nor do I have the perfect marriage. I am a 30 year old woman living the dream with her soul mate, but the journey it has taken to get here is one worth sharing. I hope as you read this blog you will find places where you connect, relate, & get a sign of relief realizing you are not alone! Thank you for being in this space, and reading parts of my soul as I have shared them here for you, for us.
Three years ago I was returning home from the mission trip of my dreams. I had just spent 10 amazing days serving in Guatemala and I could not wait to return home to my 8 month old foster daughter, and my husband of 5 years. Tyler and I met when I was 19 and he was 26. We fell madly in love, fast, I thought we were living a beautiful love story when in fact things were quickly falling apart. I returned home and Tyler was distant, cold, and confusing. Without sharing too much, on top of this odd distance we got the news we were losing our foster daughter (who we were in the adoption process for). Our hearts were shattered, and that only added to the dark cloud looming over and within our marriage.
We lost Onna in the middle of August & that week Tyler declared to me that he no longer wanted to be married. After 8 years together, Tyler moved out and said he needed space and a divorce. By the grace of God he never filed for divorce, and I know now that is because it was never truly what he wanted. Our separation began at the end of August 2018 and by early September I had been let go from my full time ministry position. Along with being let go, it felt as if I had been shunned by my entire church and many were whispering about our situation as it was shared publicly. I had never been so broken, lost, & helpless in my life, but that was not how our story ended. In fact, hold on tight because God did some pretty incredible things.
November 2018 I got a new full time ministry position, moved to a new city, kept distant contact with Tyler, and continued to beg God for my marriage back. I never stopped praying for Tyler to come “home.” There are so many details that won’t make it into this blog (including how we became parents to a new baby girl in December of that year), but I guess you’ll have to read my book (hey, a girl can dream right? 4 chapters done so far) for the full story. It was a snowy day in February and a knock came upon the door of my small apartment. I opened it to find my husband, crying, with his head hanging low. He began apologizing, and declaring he wanted to come home…wherever home would be now.
The definition of valor is, “great courage in the face of struggles and danger, especially in battle.” You would never think of needing valor when zealously reciting your vows at your wedding ceremony, but valor is one of the most important things that has been required of me in these last 7 (almost 8) years of marriage. I had to have great courage, and even greater faith, in the face of something that was not always beautiful and easy. I think every great marriage requires valor, and I also think every great marriage will face struggles, and battles. In the last three years that Tyler has been home, and we have rebuilt our marriage, I have found a few things to be most important. I would love to share those things with you.
- We must discover moments of compromise. When I used to think of compromise I would think of the big moments. Of course we must compromise on where we will live, what car we will drive, where our jobs will take us, etc. The tough reality of compromise is that it matters deeply in the places we never think about. Where you go out to eat, what you watch on TV, where you attend church, who you spend extra time with, which family dinner you attend, are just to name a few. All of these small decisions start to feel completely dominating if you aren’t meeting your spouse halfway. When is the last time you eagerly attended your partners favorite extra curricular activity? When is the last time you let your partner choose the TV series? When is the last time your partner called the date night shots?
2. We must be willing to learn, and develop marriage skills. No matter the job you are doing, there was a time, or even years of schooling or training you had to attend in order to perform said job. We will spend almost every moment outside of our jobs with our spouse. Our spouses deserve the best version of us and that means we are constantly growing and learning. Marriage takes incredible communication skills, patience, grace, and the deepest love we will ever experience this side of heaven aside from the love of God himself. Why then, would we not continue to do what we can, to discover the best tools and the best practices to model those previously mentioned qualities in our marriage. We must be willing to read, listen, and put great effort into how we can be a better spouse. If we would do it for a job, how much greater does our spouse deserve that from us?
3. We must understand selfless love in the most deepest way. I truly believe I know and understand selfless love because of my relationship with God. It is through God’s incredible grace, and love that I was able to open the door to my husband again after all we had been through. I am not going to convince you (if you are not currently) to become a Christian through a blog, but I will say the health of your marriage relies on how deeply you understand what it is to be completely selfless.
This is one of the most complex requirements in a marriage. It is complex because you are a whole person, and your needs and wants need to be met too. I do not want you to read this and think you should have no hobbies but to serve your partner. I do want you to read this and realize if you and your partner practice complete selflessness in your marriage then you both will have your needs and desires met. Selflessness is serving your partner in a way that puts them above yourself. It is seeking to make the world a place that is about them. How can you create space where they feel seen, heard, and cherished? Selflessness is a quality that can turn a battle into a victory. Selflessness is modeled after God, and can be the most beautiful and holy piece of your marriage.
““Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”
Maya Angelou
I shared a short piece of my marriage testimony before sharing a few things I have learned because I want you to realize the depths of darkness we have survived. I want you to know if you feel like you are in the trenches with your spouse you are not alone. You are not alone, and it may not be over or “too far gone.” Maya Angelou wrote that love recognizes no barriers. The reality is, it does not. Love can take any dangerous battle, and produce valor within its vows. Love can always have the last word when darkness seems to have finished the book.
Marriage truly can be the most incredible gift God has given us, but it takes so much commitment, work, and love. I believe, no matter how dark your story feels, it can have a beautiful ending. I believe that because I lived in the scariest place of my life with a divorce in sight. Three years later, I write to you as I’m looking across the living room of our beautiful home watching my sweet husband sit in his recliner wearing the most precious silver wedding ring.
Our story was re-written, new life was born, redemption arose. You may not need your story revised, but maybe you needed to be reminded of the compromise, continued learning, and selflessness it truly takes to have the incredibly beautiful marriage you desire. I wish I would have been late night scrolling on Facebook three years ago and someone shared these things with me. I hope if nothing else tonight, you feel encouraged, empowered, and filled with hope. Encouraged that you can grow and change, and compromise if and when that is what your marriage needs. Empowered that you can be as selfless as you choose for your spouse. And filled with a hope that marriage is work for us all, but it is the most incredible gift worth working and fighting for.
I see you marriages of valor… it will always be worth it.
You are loved,
Chels.
*An important note and addition to this blog, the struggles and battles I am referencing are never mental or physical abuse. Please do not ever feel coerced or compelled to stay in a marriage where you are being abused in any way. Please visit this website for more information and resources on domestic violence.*
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