We had an event at our church a couple evenings ago and a woman approached me. After a few questions about Kami she said, “I hope you guys don’t get too attached.”
Now let me share some context with you…
For anyone reading this blog and doesn’t know, my husband and I have recently become foster parents with a hope to adopt because adoption costs are so high we thought this may be our way of becoming parents (we found out a little over a year ago conception would be nearly impossible for us).
When we got the call 2 months ago it was a whirlwind. I had been crying out to God earlier that morning that I was really in a place of pain over our struggles with conception & it wasn’t two hours later that my phone rang and even though I never pick up numbers I don’t know, for some reason that day I answered. August 14th 2017, our lives changed forever. The case worker said her name was Hannah and she had a four day old baby who needed a home and it was a case that looked positive for a termination of rights (that means our hopes for adoption like we wanted would be high). I instantly called Tyler who said, “what about childcare?” I said, “we will figure it out” and that was it! I called Hannah back and she said the Child Protective Services case worker would call me soon with details.
My brain at this moment: WHAT?! WHAT DO WE DO? What do we need? Okay we need to get diapers and wipes and a sign above her crib with her name. Oh, and CRAP we need clothes?! And books, and baby shoes and formula? Wait.. what size is she? What kind of formula does she take?
I called the case worker back with all of myself questions and Hannah said, “I have no idea. All we know is her name and that she needs to be in a home by tonight”. Wow. That’s it. All we knew was her name, and that we already loved her. We picked her up that evening at 7pm and praised God for a church family who started bringing us baby swings and clothes and food when we had no idea what we were doing! Kami was 7 lbs and 13oz and the most beautiful baby I had ever seen in my entire life. I couldn’t help but cry and cry when they wheeled her into the hospital room.
She was everything we had prayed for.
It feels like yesterday we brought her home, but it’s been almost 11 weeks now. We have seen her first real tear, watched her umbilical cord fall off, given her her very first bath, watched her smile for the first time, & heard her coo for the first time. We have experienced every “first” a baby has in the first (almost) three months of life with her. We don’t know anything different than that she is ours. Except life is different than our friends who have babies of their own. We have visits every month with Kami’s biological grandma and I put money each week on her biological mothers account in jail so I can talk with her. I send photos and letters to her mother also, & although most hours of most days Kami is ours, I have glimpses each week that remind me she is not.
The moments we have to remember she is not ours are the hardest of them all.
We live and lead a life of faith so we are constantly living in a place of unexplainable joy with Kami regardless of her future, but I am writing this blog because of the woman’s comments the other night. I have decided to share my thoughts on her comment, “Don’t get too attached.”
She is our entire world. We put our fingers under her nose multiple times a night in case we can’t see her chest moving just to make sure she’s breathing, we cry every time she coo’s for a long time as we realize she’s growing up, I sob every time I read “I’ll love you Forever” because it reminds me I may not have forever as her mom. There is no boundaries to our love with Kami because we don’t know how to have them. We picked her up at four days old and she has been nothing but ours since that day. We can’t “not get too attached” because we are already in so far deep we are about to start her college fund. I wanted to write this blog because being a foster parent to Kami is the hardest thing I, we, have ever done in our lives. We aren’t just invested in Kami, we are so far in love with her that we don’t know another way to live our lives, but to circle everything around her. We feel God’s presence everyday and we see God’s miracles every time we look into her eyes.
If you are a foster parent & you are reading this blog I want you to know my heart bleeds for you, but God is so close to you in this journey it is unreal. I want you to know that God doesn’t make mistakes and YOU are meant to parent that child.
I have people ask me all the time, “what will you do if Kami’s Mom gets her back?” And I just can’t answer that question right now, but what I can say is that I will love her with all of the love in my heart and when that day comes if that day comes I will praise God for every second that I got to experience her “firsts” as her mom, and if that is all God’s plan is for us than I will praise him for the rest of my days because this time with Kami has changed my life, & has made me into someone I never thought I could be, a mom.